Sunday, September 4, 2011

Reach for the Light

Groupon. Living Social. Bloomspot. Trubates. CrowdSavings. Each one of these websites negotiates huge deals with local businesses sending subscribers great deals meanwhile bringing new customers to businesses in the community. For a while, I was completely hooked! I was purchasing deals for restaurants, yoga classes, burlesque workshops, massages, facials, and comedy clubs. I became so excited about the deals being offered at the discounted rates that I loss sight of the importance of reading reviews prior to purchasing.

That said, I received an email one morning for a one-hour yoga/massage session. The original price was $110 and was discounted at $39. I thought to myself, "What a steal! I love yoga. I love massages. This sounds fantastic!" I eagerly purchased this Trubates deal and called to schedule my appointment with an older gentleman whose voice was soft and soothing.  I figured, this would be a great way to end a busy work week--I'll book for a Friday evening right after work. 

So it was Friday evening and I had just left my last field appointment for the day. I had been looking forward to a relaxing massage and personal yoga session. I mapped out the address for Live Love Yoga (yes, that's what the place was called!) As I parked in a strictly residential neighborhood in Laurel Heights, I began panicking as there were no businesses located on the street--only apartment complexes. While walking up to the address, I told myself "If you feel at all threatened by the man when he opens his front door, make up a quick excuse and jet!"

I rang the doorbell and an older (I'd guess mid-sixties) gentleman with a calm demeanor and flamboyant appearance answered. He welcomed me to his home and studio and asked me to come in and take a seat. My gut told me it was safe and so, I entered his home living room and had a seat on his comfy red suede couch. Naag Champa permeated through the air and the sound of soft, meditation music  drifted through the room from behind the kitchen door.

The therapist/yogi (let's call him Chris) sat across the room from me and asked me to explain a bit about myself so that he could better understand what kind of person he's working with. He added, "Perhaps you can start out by telling me what you do". I explained to him my field of social work and what my job as an Early Start social worker entails. His facial expression changed dramatically as he said, "you are a saint! This job sounds very stressful and emotionally taxing. I'm sure that has a great effect on your body". We discussed the stressful elements of the job but I made sure to clarify that I do in fact, enjoy the work I do. He then asked me about any physical problems I was having and if there are any areas of pain or discomfort. I began rubbing my right shoulder and explained that this has been a point of pain and discomfort on an off for the last two years. Very little attention was given to the pain I had indicated as he was curious to learn more about me and my personal/emotional life. "Are you in a relationship?"

Having just come out of a very painful break-up, this was the worst question he could have asked me and I responded in a shaky voice "I've just come out of a four-year relationship".  Seeing my eyes fill up with tears, he proceeded to pry more into this subject matter. "Are the two of you still in contact with one another? What happened? Was this a mutual split?" After the first few questions I completely melted down. So there I was...a stranger in this man's living room, 20 minutes into our "session", no massage, and tears running down my cheeks. I was a mess!

Chris realized it was probably time to shift gears. He excused himself by saying, "I have the perfect thing for you!" Meanwhile, I took this opportunity to wipe my face and take a few deep breaths. Chris returned a second or two later with a stack of cards and sat beside me on the sofa. All I could think was, "Really?! Now you are going to read my tarot cards?!" Just as I had expected, he sat beside me, revealing a deck of cards carefully spread out for me to choose from. I figured, "What the hell! I'm curious. I'll indulge him." I selected a card at random and flipped it over. Looking at the card, I was puzzled as to what it meant. It revealed a gleaming golden contraption of sorts with a spectrum  of deep blues and purples decorating the background. I looked at him as to say, "What now?" "Excuse me again, " he responded. "I'll be right back".

This time Chris returned with a book in his left hand and a hidden surprise fisted in his right. "Hold this in your right hand," he said to me as he revealed a shiny opalescent crystal. "Uhhh...okay," I replied. He sad beside me on the sofa and opened the book to a passage that corresponded with the tarot card I had chosen. He then proceeded to read this passage and I begun to ask myself "What is happening?" He rambled on for about ten minutes about new-agey mumbo jumbo that I couldn't quite comprehend. Suddenly he reached a passage that ended with "Reach for the light". At this point, I had caught onto the pauses in his speech and would quickly respond with the appropriate "uh huh" as though acknowledging what he had just read. Suddenly, Chris looked up from the page and said, "No, really. Reach for the light".  Completely confused I asked him, "what light?" He shifted gaze now looking at the window beside the faux fireplace. "Look at the sunlight coming through the window".  Unsure what to do and completely stunned at the situation, I had no other choice but to reach for the light. So imagine this: there I was sitting on this strange man's couch about forty minutes into our "session" yet no massage and no yoga have taken place. I am holding a crystal in my right hand, reaching for the light that is beaming through the window with my left hand, and I have dry mascara tear stains on my face. I felt absolutely absurd!

Chris completed reading his passage and closed the book. He then asked me to step to the middle of the living room rug and prepared me for what he called the "standing massage". "Standing massage?," I repeated. Chris began massaging my shoulders and carefully stretching my neck by tilting my head carefully from side to side. The "standing massage" was short-lived and to be honest, I don't remember too much about it as I was extremely uncomfortable and sweating profusely out of nervousness the entire time. He then led me in some breathing exercises and had me mirror some basic yoga poses. "Could this really be it? A neck massage in my sweaty work clothes and some basic yoga poses at the rate of $110?!" Right as I was questioning what I had been doing here for the last 45 minutes and how it is that I often find myself in "interesting" situations like this one, Chris said, "Okay...let me have you lay down for the full-body massage". "Yes!" I was so excited at this point...exactly what I had been waiting for. Granted there were only about 15 minutes left but I didn't mind as long as it meant I could  switch to a less-awkward position. That said, it quickly dawned on me that there was no massage table in sight. So...where would I be laying?

"Go ahead and lay in the center of the rug face up with your feet toward me." "Face up?" I repeated. Just when I thought things couldn't get worst...I found myself feeling very vulnerable while laying on this strange man's living room rug with sweaty armpits. Chris asked me to relax and practice the breathing exercises he had just shown me. At this point, I figured I'm going to do my best to absorb even just a tiny bit of relaxation from this experience. I closed my eyes and focused on deep breathing while Chris began massaging my feet. I do enjoy a good foot massage, so, I was taking it all in. Suddenly I felt Chris stop and could hear him walking around. Then I smelled fresh incense. He had stood up to light a new stick. With my eyes still closed, I felt myself sinking into a deeper state of relaxation. My breath had slowed, I was no longer questioning what I was doing here and had stopped obsessing over my damp armpits. SUDDENLY, I awoke to a bell ringing in my face. I'm talking two inches max above my eyes. Startled, I opened my eyes and saw Chris hovering over me with a bell. In a calm voice he said to me, "Thank you. Take your time getting up."

"Thank you?!" Are we through here? Was that it?" I thought to myself, "there's no way in hell I'm going to continue lying here to take it all in." So...I hopped up and quickly grabbed my coat. "Thank you," I said. Chris reached in for a hug and I awkwardly reciprocated.

A week later still blown away by this experience, it dawned on me to check his reviews on yelp. I can't say I was surprised to find that there weren't any written for Live Love Yoga. I think I will be the first!







1 comment:

  1. What the what! That was such a CREEPY experience! I hope you reported them to the site you purchased the coupon from. I'm so thankful they were just dishonest cons and not rapists or murderers. I hate to be dramatic, but seriously!

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