Got Milk?

As a social worker who works with children with developmental disabilities, I often times make house visits and/or visit children in the hospital.

I was assigned a new intake for a kiddo who had been hospitalized for numerous gastrointestinal issues that were related to a severe metabolic condition. To compound the severity of this case, she was hospitalized after a routine doctor's visit as she was not growing or gaining weight. In addition, the family had lost their apartment due to the landlord selling the complex and they found themselves homeless with a very ill 2-year-old little girl who requires a feeding tube and a newborn baby. The clinical social worker working with this child in the hospital had arranged for me to visit the family there since it was unknown as to how long it would be before they could arrange temporary shelter.

So there I was...obtaining my two-year-old client's medical history and collecting routine background information. As I sat on the corner of the hospital bed interviewing mom, she picked up the newborn baby and held her in her arms. She proceeded to unleash her massive breast from beneath her moo moo and aggressively placed the nipple in the baby's mouth. The mother squeezed the breast and massaged it in a rhythmic manner allowing the milk to come to the surface; the baby appeared quite content.

Suddenly, the baby turned away from the breast and the nipple fell out of her mouth. Mom was watching the baby with adoring eyes completely unaware that a stream of breast milk was shooting through the air. As I looked up from my intake application to ask my next question, I felt a stream of warm breast milk slap me in the face. As mom continued smiling at her precious child, I quickly wiped the warm milk from my face and eyelid with the sleeve of my sweater. I wanted to save mom (and possibly myself) the embarrassment of knowing what had just occurred. Is this for real?! Did I just get shot in the face with another woman's breast milk?! What if it had shot me in the eye?!

While writing about this experience, I was reminded of a story a friend of mine told me in high school. She had just finished having sex with her boyfriend at the time while her dog slept soundly on a love seat across the room. After they were done cleaning themselves up, she looked across the room and noticed that somehow her dog had been lobbed in the head by her boyfriend's flying semen.

To my readers, I welcome any reminiscent flying substance stories in the comments below.